


You Should Be Here

by Katybug1992



Category: Men's Hockey RPF
Genre: Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Team as Family, a little fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-29
Updated: 2020-02-29
Packaged: 2021-02-27 23:34:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22960282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Katybug1992/pseuds/Katybug1992
Summary: “I just, um, I hope wherever she is, she's happy.”“She's happy. She's looking down on you...and she's very happy.”-Season 2, Episode 19 “Rest in Peace”, Dawson’s CreekJaden always misses Mandi, but some moments are harder than others.
Relationships: Brayden Schenn/Jaden Schwartz
Comments: 3
Kudos: 19





	You Should Be Here

**Author's Note:**

> Title and story inspired by "You Should Be Here" by Cole Swindle

1.

Jaden took the ice in Tampa for his first game, the same ice his team would have been playing on for the Frozen Four in just a couple weeks if they hadn’t been knocked out of the tournament. He had gone through his usual game day routine, trying not to focus on the fact that he was going to be playing on a much larger stage and under a much smaller microscope. One little mistake could get him sent down, or worse, back to Colorado. He hadn’t formally dropped out, more took a leave of absence. His academic advisor and his parents insisted on it since he wasn’t guaranteed to stay on the team and having his spot at school being waiting for him would be a good idea.

As he moved around the ice for warm-ups, he scanned the faces of the crowd. He felt his shoulders relax a little when he spotted his parents and brother and his heart clenched at his sister’s noticeable absence. He took a deep breath and grabbed a puck, taking his shot at the net. He hadn’t let himself think about Mandi all day, focusing on his nerves and his routine. The puck left his shot with a bit more aggression than he usually would during warm-ups. 

She should be here. Mandi should be at this game. Or at least watching it. She should have been the person he called when he made the decision to leave school. She should have been the person he called when he signed his contract. She should have been the person he talked to earlier that day to try to calm his nerves and ease his worries. She should be at his first NHL game, it was their joint dream for him. No one was prouder of his hockey accomplishments than Mandi. No one believed in him more than Mandi. And he hovered over her contact in his phone every day, just wanting to be able to call her and have her call him an idiot and tell him that he was good enough. Just to hear her voice before the first most important game of his life.

Before he knew it, the game was starting and he somehow managed to score and he barely processed it. And the one person he wanted to see wasn’t there. He shook it off, focusing back on the game.

After the game, after he had hugged his family, he was on the bus with the team headed to hotel, absentmindedly playing with his goal puck, staring blankly down at the piece of rubber, his thumb running over the tape with the date and occasion. 

“You okay, kid?” Alexander Steen slipped into the seat next to him, causing him to jump and effectively knocking him out of his head.

“I was just thinking.” Jaden responded, “About Mandi.”

Jaden knew the team knew her story, the League knew her story, because he was the first pick for the Blues in his draft. Because of that, it was news when she passed.

“I lost my little brother when I was young. He was three.” Steener responded, “He got sick and passed away shortly after. I didn’t understand what all was going on at the time, so I cannot imagine what you went through this past year. But I do understand what you’re feeling.”

“She was there for every hockey milestone, either in person or watching on TV. She watched me get drafted from the hospital. And I just… she should have been there tonight.” Jaden found the words leaving his mouth.

“I didn’t know her, but I know that she would have been proud of you. Not many kids score the game winning goal in their first game.” Steener bumped his shoulder lightly.

“She always thought that I’m a better player than I am,” Jaden smiled sadly, “I loved being able to prove her right.”

“You play every game like you played tonight and you’ll make her very proud.”

2.

Jaden took a deep breath as the bus pulled up outside of the Yale rink, where the team would be practicing and attending the game. He had intended to bring one or two of his teammates, but Armstrong decided that the whole team would go. Jaden had attempted to say it wasn’t necessary, days off weren’t common in their schedule right now, but he got told by several of his teammates that the team was family and family was always there for each other.

They gave him a minute in the locker room, and he stood in front of Mandi’s stall, her jersey hung up like she was going to walk into the room at any minute. And then life kicked back and he was getting ready for practice with his teammates, and getting mic’ed up for the video they were doing - which was awkward in its’ own right since he wasn’t much of a talker on a normal day.

He and his parents met with Mandi’s teammates and her friends, Event organizers and Media before he had time to slip away for a bit. 

Which is where Vova and Shatty found him, sitting in front of the library. They each took a seat on either side of him.

“I really don’t want to do anymore talking.” Jaden muttered, eyes focused on the library.

“And you don’t have to.” Shatty responded, “But you also don’t have to isolate yourself.”

Vladi nudged him with his elbow and gave a little smile when he had Jaden’s attention. Jaden couldn’t help but return the nudge.

“It’s hard. Being here.” Jaden crossed his arms and looked at the ground, “She was so proud of going to Yale. She brought me a new Yale shirt everytime she came home, was convinced I’d be going here, too. She always thought I was better than I actually was at everything, but there was no chance I would have gotten into Yale. She still made me wear the Yale hoodie every time she had a game if I could. It’s weird...being here without her.”

“You’re allowed to miss her.” Shatty eventually said.

“I know.” Jaden nodded, biting his lip, “But someone has to be the strong one in my family.”

“That’s not healthy.”

“Never said it was.”

“Oh, Kid…” Shatty sighed, throwing an arm around him.

“Stupidhead.” Vova chided affectionately, bumping his head against Jaden’s and getting a soft chuckle in response, “Come. We find better hiding spot.”

Jaden huffed, but let Vladi pull him up.

3.

Brayden had been in town for a couple of weeks before he brought up picking up where they left off with Jaden. They had been so close to being a thing before Brayden went to LA and Jaden went to college. But they were in the same city now (and would be for the next three years at the least), and Brayden was staying at Jaden’s until he found his own place, and Jaden was still the same person he always was and Brayden had always been a little obsessed with him. He couldn’t help it. 

Jaden was always the smallest guy on the ice, but he played like he was giant. And Brayden knew that he had gotten the attention of a lot of players around the League. And Brayden had played against him more often than he played with him and he had always been drawn in by it. He couldn’t wait to play with him on this level, hoped he would get to play on his line but was aware that Jaden and Tarasenko were a pair that coach didn’t like to split up and he would have to prove he was good enough to be on the top line with them.

But Jaden off the ice was who Brayden was most excited to spend more time with. Jaden who was stoic unless around people who knew him, around people he was comfortable with. Jaden who had a dry sense of humor and cutting sarcasm. Jaden who would let him drag him anywhere, who cooked with him, who enjoyed that Brayden was a foodie and enjoyed indulging him. Jaden who always found him funny, even if he denied it.

Jaden who talked to his parents every other day, who kept a constant text thread going with his brother, who had never deleted Mandi’s contact from his phone. Jaden who had a family photo on his mantle and a small picture of Mandi tucked into the zip pocket of his hockey bag. 

And Brayden loved every aspect of Jaden. And that’s what scared Jaden. There was nothing he could hide from Schenner. Schenner always knew what he was thinking, what he was feeling. And he always called Jaden out on his bullshit. The first time Jaden had let himself really break apart after Mandi died was when Schenner showed up at the Memorial. He didn’t need to be there. He should have been in Philly, but instead he was standing in the doorway of Jaden’s room, hands stuffed into his jean pockets, asking Jaden how he was holding up. And that was all it had taken.

And Schenner asked him if they could pick up from their Almost and potentially cross the line that they had hesitated at and then ran away from when Brayden got drafted, much to Mandi’s annoyance. She had always thought he and Brayden would be good together. And she would be so amused as he stared at his closet, trying to figure out what to wear. It wasn’t even like they were going anywhere. Brayden was making a “fancy dinner” at Jaden’s, so they could talk things out without worrying about anyone overhearing.

“You’re overthinking this.” 

Jaden knew Mandi would tell him.

“Brayden likes you. He’s always liked you. You could show up in your gross work-out clothes and he would still want you,” she would continue, “He’s always liked you in blue.”

Jaden didn’t even think about it, reaching for a navy button up and a pair of his nice jeans, jogging back down the stairs shortly after when Brayden told him he could.

“Wow,” Jaden breathed out.

The table was set, two candles he didn’t know he had were lit and the lights dimmed. But Brayden, Brayden stood there in a black button up and jeans, looking at Jaden like he had just found a lost treasure.

“What?” Jaden asked, confused.

“Nothing,” Brayden shook his head, “it’s just… you look good.”

Jaden felt himself blushing and knew Mandi would be laughing at him.

“You okay?” Brayden had walked to the foot of the staircase and was looking at him with so much concern that it almost hurt.

“Yeah,” Jaden nodded, “Just...sometimes I miss Mandi more than others.”

Brayden just nodded, hugging Jaden tightly and then ushering him to the table, pulling out his chair for him.

4.

Jaden felt like he was going to cry out of frustration. He was having the season of his life and now he was out for months because of his stupid fucking ankle. He sat on his couch, foot on the pillow resting on his coffee table, glaring at the tv and watching the clip of his fall over until Brayden plucked the remote out of his hand and turned the tv off.

“Stop.” Brayden chided, dropping a hoodie on his boyfriend’s head and dropping down onto the couch next to him.

“I’m out for four week, Schenner.” Jaden grumbled, grabbed the hoodie and readying to throw it at the older man until he caught sight of the familiar bulldog on the front.

“You know as well as I do that Mandi wouldn’t want you sulk.”

Jaden couldn’t help but huff out a laugh. Brayden was right. She would not have tolerated him sulking. She would have talked healing, rehab, every other topic under the sun and would absolutely not put up with him sulking about missing games, missing practice, not being able to so much as skate.

“I know.” Jaden finally responded, easing the hoodie on and pouting at Brayden.

Brayden pressed a kiss to Jaden’s forehead and threw an arm around him, “I’m always willing to remind you when you need it.”

Jaden laughed for the first time since Ray gave him the prognosis.

5.

Their line scored. They won. They lifted the Cup. They hugged their families and took a Saski picture. It was only when they were back at Jaden’s, and after Brayden had fucked Jaden into the mattress, did it fully sink in. 

“She should have been there.” Jaden’s voice was soft as he rested his head on Brayden’s chest.

“She would have been so proud of you.” Brayden responded.

They had talked before the game, they had talked the entire playoff run, about Mandi. But right before they took the ice for Game 7, Brayden told Jaden that they would win this game for Mandi. When Brayden scored, Jaden was the first one to get to him and he said just loud enough for Jaden to hear that the goal was Mandi’s. 

“You had one hell of a game, of whole run, you deserve this.” Brayden said.

“Everything I do, I do make her proud, you know?” Jaden muttered into Brayden’s chest.

“And you do.” Brayden replied, “Every day you go get out onto the ice, you do her proud.”

Jaden smiled up at him, kissing his jaw and closing his eyes, saying, “I love you, Bray.”

Brayden’s face broke out into the goofy grin the guys always gave him shit for and he tightened his arms around Jaden, “I love you, Jay.”

6.

For Jaden’s day with the Cup, he had requested that the camera crew not follow him for his family gathering. It was going to be bittersweet and he really didn’t need to worry about a camera catching him needing Brayden’s strength. The Schenn family would be joining his, just as his had joined theirs a couple days before.

And the day had been bittersweet, but it had been mostly joyful, with their families and friends mingling together in the Schwartz’s backyard. As the sun started setting and everyone but their parents and siblings had left, Jaden gestured for Brayden to follow him, picking up the Cup and heading out to his car.

Brayden wasn’t surprised when they ended up in front of Mandi’s grave. Jaden set the Cup down and then sat down himself, crossing his legs and facing her stone. Brayden thought about going back to the car to give him some privacy, but when Jaden looked up at him and Brayden folded himself down to sit next to him, lacing their fingers together in the process.

“She always liked you.” Jaden smiled over at him, “Thought you would be perfect for me.”

“I know.” Brayden smiled over at her, “I talked to her probably a week before she passed.”

“You never told me that.” Jaden looked over at him.

“She called me out of the blue, told me to look after you when she couldn’t. To not let you get too hard on yourself. To not let you close yourself off from everyone. To not let you hate yourself because there was nothing you could do to help her. You make her proud every time you step on ice, Jay. Winning this would have made her so happy. But you make her even more proud with everything you have done in her name. She would be so proud of the person you’ve become. Even more proud of you than I am.”

Jaden smiled at him, eyes filling with tears, “This was her dream for me. I’m happy I was finally able to get it for her.”

Brayden brought their joined hands up to his lips and kissed Jaden’s knuckles before they both turned their gaze back to Mandi’s headstone. 

When it came time for them to leave, Brayden took the liberty of taking the Cup back to the car to give Jaden a minute alone to say goodbye. He spared a thought for the little black box he had hidden in his duffle back at Jaden’s. They would be heading up to his and Luke’s Lake House in the morning.

“I look after him, Mandi, for the rest of his life if he’ll let me,” he promised her.

He smiled as Jaden joined him, taking the keys from him as Jaden brushed away any remaining tears.

“I’m driving.” Brayden informed him, pressing a soft kiss to his forehead.

7.

Brayden couldn’t believe this day had finally come. He knew, somewhere in the venue, Petro was trying to get Jaden to relax. He knew that in that same room Vova was there waiting for Petro to fail so he could fix it. Because Brayden knew that he would always be able to rely on the Russian to look after Jaden when he couldn’t. Mandi would have liked him.

On the other side of the venue, Petro admitted defeat and let Vova take over, shaking his head with a smile as he left to find his wife and his seats, hoping the triplets weren’t destroying the decorations that had probably taken hours to put together.

“You waited long time to marry Schenner.” Vova leaned against the wall next to him, “Why freaking out now?”

“I just… Mandi always said that Brayden was perfect for me. She would have spent the entire day rubbing it in my face that she was right. I wish she could be here.”

“She is here, Jaden.” Vladi responded, “You carry her with you every day.”

Jaden gave him a small smile and nodded, letting the Russian pull him in for a hug.

“Now,” Vladi released him practically a full minute later, “let’s go get you married. Before Schenner think you ran out on him.”

Jaden could help but laugh and let himself be pulled to where he would be exiting the building.

There were days when Jaden missed Mandi more than words could say. Days when he needed her to knock some sense into him. Days when he needed her words of comfort. Days when he needed to hear her laugh and see her smile. Days when he needed to be on the ice with her. Days when he needed her to tell him she was proud of him.

But those days were easier to get through when he had his team, his family. When he had Brayden. Brayden who always knew what he needed. Brayden who was always so proud of him. Brayden who loved him with such intensity it was hard to believe it was real. Brayden who made living without Mandi easier. And that was enough.


End file.
